The Problem with Romantic Love

This article is condensed from a study investigating relationship from the perspectives of meditation, Buddhism, and Western relationship literature. The full text of the study, entitled The Dhamma Path Through Relationship can be viewed at the website of the Vipassana Research Institute.

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Most people in the Western world grow up believing that they will find a partner to love and that if only the right person is found, all will be well thereafter. This romantic dream has become so much a part of our culture that its reality is seldom questioned. The growing divorce rate and the growing public awareness that all is not well behind the bedroom doors of North America is generally blamed on other causes, and the idea that we are simply learning the wrong rules about how to relate with each other is seldom considered.

This, however, is the case. The stories that we learn about how relationship should work, what love is about, and how to make our dreams of love come true are based on an unfortunate misunderstanding about the nature of reality. Like the insane man who continued to hope for different results while performing the same actions, we dream of true love while continuing to look for it in places where it is generally not found.

What is surprisingly unclear to most modern day lovers, bravely believing that they are doing something new, is that they are playing out a very old drama that has long outlived its usefulness. The notion of love that is hammered into the average North American psyche by every sex draped supermarket magazine, super model riddled billboard and star-studded movie is, frankly, a myth. It’s an old and tired myth, and it has lost any semblance of being in touch with reality, but that hasn’t stopped it from being the number one best seller of any product imaginable. It is a worn out myth, but that doesn’t mean didly if you are young and beautiful and caught in the dream. No, it’s only after the wedding, when happily ever after fails to appear that one begins to wonder. When, eventually, it becomes clear that happily ever after will never arrive, over 50% of couples join the ranks of the divorced, a large number of others live on together in misery, and a fortunate few go on to overcome the constraining limitations of romaniticism’s illusions.

The odds of joining the fortunate few are somewhat stacked against most of us, and alluring as the romantic dream may be, the reality is that relationship and misery are often rather intimately connected. Pessimistic as this may sound, Buddhists go one step further. “Why stop with relationship”, they say, “go all the way”. Life itself is full of misery, whatever you do.

If this were the end of it, of course, there would likely be fewer Buddhists. However, this is not the end of it. Unlike the typical heartbroken lover, Buddhists don’t tend to dwell on their misery. They learn to accept it, and then go on to use it as a teacher on the path toward better things. Misery is misery, in relationships or elsewhere, and practices such as Vipassana (awareness meditation), and mindfulness developed in the Buddhist tradition are very effective at attacking the root causes of misery, wherever it is found. Practice of Vipassana meditation, or other forms of mindfulness and self-awareness offer an alternative to the pervasive romantic dream, an alternative that turns the tired myth of romanticism inside out, redefines the meaning of love, and offers realistic tools to use in building better relationships.

In the days when the romantic myth was not old and tired, but new and relevant, it was actually useful. In the medieval court, marriage was generally for power, property, or money. Sex was the right of a married man, and duty of a married woman, and though love undoubtedly happened along from time to time, the lack of it was certainly not considered an obstacle to marriage. Love does not happily stand aside for duty, however, and the Lords and Ladies found that life without love was somewhat lacking. To solve this problem, they found a way to fall in love safely while still fulfilling their duties to family and culture. They fell in love with people with whom love was forbidden by the strict rules of the society, and so pined from a distance like Don Quixote for Dulcinea or Gwenivere for Lancelot.

This worship from a distance brought fulfillment, of a sort, through the power of the imagined bliss of future consummation, and the myth of romance was only made more powerful by the tragedy that usually came about if it was fulfilled. Of course, the tragedy was blamed on the external forces that held the lovers apart and punished them for their transgressions. The myth doesn’t explain that it was the separation that allowed the love to exist in the first place, nor that the lovers would soon find each other’s imperfections if they actually spent any time with each other.

Romantic love as practiced in medieval Europe, though fraught with heart-rending emotion, was relatively stable. The two forces that act on relationships – attraction and individuation – were held in balance by the rules of the society and the physical distance of the lovers. Modern love falls apart because people don’t understand these opposing forces. Star-struck modern lovers go straight to bed, then wake up feeling claustrophobic. Joining as “one”, though seemingly a desirable activity, does cause the lovers to come into contact with an uncomfortable paradox. How can we be “one”, and still each maintain a sense of self? Without a great deal of skill, the answer to this question is that “We can’t” and so either the power struggle starts (We’re one and I’m the boss), or the separation starts (I need some space).

Medieval lovers didn’t have to worry about this unfortunate paradox, however, because they didn’t ever get to consummate their love. Modern romance, which quickly slakes the craving for sexual contact also tends to quickly fall apart as the joined lovers feel the need to assert their individual selves. Lovers seem to believe that love is only about the feeling of being “in love”. When this goes, as it inevitably must, they believe that they have made a mistake in their choice of partner and move on to find someone else to fill the need within them. Unfortunately, the expectation of comfort and healing from a partner results much more commonly in disappointment than in fulfillment.

After practicing careful mindfulness, one finds that looking to another person for one’s fulfillment is like looking for a peach in the Sahara. The search can be made, but it is likely to be difficult, dry, and fruitless. In contrast to the commonly held North American world-view where satisfaction must come from external gratification, the teaching of Vipassana and mindfulness indicates that peace and happiness must be found by looking first to the self. “Happily ever after” can’t be found in someone else and, in fact, the very need for another that is the base of being “in love” is the cause of most of the misery in relationship.

Looking at love this way effectively turns romanticism on its head, and can leave one wondering why anyone would bother with relationship at all. If relationship can’t actually make things better, and if I don’t need someone else to heal me, what’s the point of being with them in the first place? What’s the point of being with someone if you don’t need them for something?

There is, indeed, a point. However, understanding this point requires a digression into some of the foundational concepts of Buddhist teaching.

The Buddhist world-view is built on the four noble truths of Siddartha Gothama, the Buddha. Dukkha, the noble truth of suffering, states that the world will never be exactly as we wish it to be. Samudaya, the second noble truth, explains that we suffer because we areunable to accept the differencebetween what we think ought to be, and what truly is. Nirodha, the third noble truth, suggests that we can move toward a state where suffering no longer exists by learning how to stop reacting to our desires and aversions – by learning to accept reality as it truly is. Finally, Magga, the fourth noble truth, describes the Eight-fold Noble Path, a set of principles for how to live in the world in a way that will decrease suffering for self and for others.

In the Buddhist world-view, escape from suffering depends on how well and how much we learn in this life. Life is a path, an adventurous trek; every moment is a precious opportunity to learn to let go. Along this path, relationships of all types can be a tremendous help because they act like mirrors, showing us the things to which we cling, pushing our “buttons”, and helping us to see ourselves. Intimate relationships are the most powerful aid of all, taking us to both the heights of our ability to love and the depths of our fear, anger, and desire. Positive changes come about in people’s lives when they begin to look inside themselves when they feel anger or other strong emotions, rather than blaming them on a partner, and when they learn to accept their own feelings of need or desire, without trying to take what they need from a lover. In a relationship of this sort, the relationship becomes a part of a larger purpose and a vehicle with which to travel more quickly down the noble path. Conflict is transmuted into personal growth, and energy is directed to where it can do some good. We can’t change a partner, nor hope to be saved by him or her, but we can change ourselves and we can work to create an environment that promotes the well-being of others.

It is all very well to lay out a set of principles by which one should live, but actually living these principles in the day to day distractions and pressures of life is another thing entirely. In order to bridge the gap between lofty philosophical ideals and the earth-bound experience of living, the Buddha described a meditative practice by which people could begin to understand the true nature of reality more clearly for themselves. This practice is called Vipassana which, loosely translated, means “to see clearly”.

The practice of Vipassana, like any meditation method, teaches that the mind must be focused through concentration on an object. Most methods provide an unchanging object on which to focus – a word or “mantra” to repeat, an image of a deity or saint to look at or visualize, etc. These meditation methods have their own purpose and effectiveness. However, Vipassana differs from them in that it teaches that the mind must be focused by concentrating on awareness of the changing sensations that are constantly in motion in the body. As the mind becomes sharper with concentrated focus, subtler and subtler sensations come into awareness, and with this awareness comes insight into the nature of one’s own body, emotions, desires, and ways of reacting. Practicing equanimity, the meditator watches sensations arise, and without attachment watches them also inevitably pass away. With this practice of equanimity and understanding of the changing nature of all things comes a growing capacity for patience and compassion, and a growing awareness of the unhealthy patterns that cause friction in one’s life.

Still, it may not be clear what this sort of navel gazing has to do with relationship. Sitting, observing sensations in one’s own body, becoming aware of habits and reaction patterns – these practices are more than esoteric rights performed by monks for reasons knowable only to themselves. They have very real applications and benefits for those who wish to obtain a greater sense of satisfaction, fulfillment, and peace in relationship. In the first place, this practice teaches patience and compassion, two extremely important virtues in relationships. In addition, the practice provides a way to work with strong emotions like anger, grief, jealousy, depression, and other feelings that are stirred up by interactions with a partner. Just as watching a pianist play the piano and listening to the music are two aspects of the same experience, so being aware of body sensations and experiencing an emotion are inextricably connected with each other. By taking a few minutes to sit still, go inside, and observe sensations, a meditator can reconnect with the felt awareness that “this too will change”, and can detach from strong personal identification with an emotion. One is re-minded of what is truly important, and balance is restored to the mind. From a balanced mind, conflict may be more quickly resolved and harmony is more likely to be experienced.

In this way, Vipassana is a tool with which emotion may be safely worked. Moreover, it is an alchemical philosopher’s stone by which the lead of negative or violent feelings may be transformed into the gold of self-awareness. Bridging the gap between philosophy and practice, Vipassana helps practitioners to cope with the travails of being human so that they can open to a more profound experience of love and well-being.

The differences in approach between romantic love and Buddhist relationship are quite large, and so too are the results of practicing the underlying philosophies of these two world-views. Where romantic love tends to entangle lovers in the opposing push and pull of the forces of individuation and union, relationship built on Buddhist principles is able to transmute negative energy into personal growth. Where the romantic myth builds on a narcissistic sense of self-importance and ultimately destroys that which it purports to build, Buddhist relationship creates growing appreciation of the depth and preciousness of a companion through active application of compassion, acceptance, and responsibility. Where popular love plays into the hands of those who use sex to sell violence and consumerism for profit, Buddhist practice can help to grow love that is incorruptible because it comes only from the inside and is not dependent on external appearance or trappings.

In this world where the surface is worshipped and escape is become a God, how many even begin to imagine the depths that lie behind the eyes of the person that they “love”? How many can bear to touch (or even reach for) the truth of the true beauty of what being human can mean? Who is willing to develop the depth of spirit and character that is needed to truly love and appreciate the priceless value of a companion? Who is ready to create the reality of love inside, rather than search fruitlessly for its external trappings?

The gap between the dream of romantic love and the reality of relationships in North America is stark, and there is little to bridge the space between the ideal and the real. However, the teachings of Buddhism offer a map of a path that anyone can walk toward deeper love. The practice of Vipassana meditation can help to bridge the gap between ideal and real, and provide a way to work with the emotions and trials that arise in day to day living.

In contrast to the romantic ideal where true love is achieved by finding a perfect partner and falling into a state of contact-generated bliss, Buddhist teachings emphasize that bliss, as well as love, must be found within. The tragedy of the romantic dream is not so much that it doesn’t work, for true love does exist. Rather the tragedy is that romanticism offers a dream that is real, attached to a fairy tale path. Buddhist practice can help to correct the romantic error, offering a path that is real so that the dream of true love can mature from fairy tale to lived reality.

Todd Blattner, MA., B.Sc.